by David Folk
Have you ever wondered why some people seem so at ease and others not at all? Have you noticed that people at ease tend to get more of what they seek, whether in communication or in general? Or that people at ease who have the wrong answer get support from others while people not at ease who have the right answer do not?
Hint: it’s not about “charisma”.
There are many complex forces that come to bear on human communication. At the root of everything is the basic nature of humans: the fight/flight instinct. Left to our primal devices, we humans default to this instinct every time. It may be subtle, such as being in a conversation where you try to get what you want from the other person (ie. “fight”) or give the other person what they want (ie. “flight”). Or it may be overt where verbal or physical assertions are made by one or both parties either fighting or fleeing.
There is little ground for effective communication in this type of interaction and NO basis for attraction. Attraction is critical in intimate settings, such as families (especially parenting), couples/spouses and management positions, where ongoing trust and inspiration are necessary.
There are many forms of attraction but there is one form that has the power to influence successful communication beyond all the others: “essence”.
Essence is the word I use to describe the complex energy pattern that all life forms generate. When the energy is some combination of positive, inviting, confident, safe, curious, appropriate, kind, strong, centered and thoughtful, the stage is set for attraction to be present and effective communication to result.
When the energy is some combination of negative, offensive, frightened, judging, critical, single minded, inconsiderate and inappropriate, the stage is set for what we have all become far to willing to accept: poor communication, bad feelings and unfulfilled goals and expectations.
The work required for a person to become some combination of positive, inviting, confident, safe, curious, appropriate, kind, strong, centered, and thoughtful, . all on a consistent and ongoing basis, is substantial. In the Western world we receive virtually no training in how to create and maintain this state of being. Rather, we receive extensive “training” in dysfunctional communication and dysfunctional relationship building literally from the time we can cry out to our parents. For those who undertake the mission to establish a consistent state of positive energy/essence, there is a true pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
It figures, right? By way of comparison, only a small fraction of humans excel at pursuits that require a high degree of skill (sport, art, science etc) without extensive practice and training. Only a few more excel with extensive training. The rest of us just bump along and hope (and hope and hope).
How much training and practice have you had in creating a positive essence and therefore being an effective communicator?
Here are a few practical ways to advance your state of being and communication abilities:
Have you ever wondered why some people seem so at ease and others not at all? Have you noticed that people at ease tend to get more of what they seek, whether in communication or in general? Or that people at ease who have the wrong answer get support from others while people not at ease who have the right answer do not?
Hint: it’s not about “charisma”.
There are many complex forces that come to bear on human communication. At the root of everything is the basic nature of humans: the fight/flight instinct. Left to our primal devices, we humans default to this instinct every time. It may be subtle, such as being in a conversation where you try to get what you want from the other person (ie. “fight”) or give the other person what they want (ie. “flight”). Or it may be overt where verbal or physical assertions are made by one or both parties either fighting or fleeing.
There is little ground for effective communication in this type of interaction and NO basis for attraction. Attraction is critical in intimate settings, such as families (especially parenting), couples/spouses and management positions, where ongoing trust and inspiration are necessary.
There are many forms of attraction but there is one form that has the power to influence successful communication beyond all the others: “essence”.
Essence is the word I use to describe the complex energy pattern that all life forms generate. When the energy is some combination of positive, inviting, confident, safe, curious, appropriate, kind, strong, centered and thoughtful, the stage is set for attraction to be present and effective communication to result.
When the energy is some combination of negative, offensive, frightened, judging, critical, single minded, inconsiderate and inappropriate, the stage is set for what we have all become far to willing to accept: poor communication, bad feelings and unfulfilled goals and expectations.
The work required for a person to become some combination of positive, inviting, confident, safe, curious, appropriate, kind, strong, centered, and thoughtful, . all on a consistent and ongoing basis, is substantial. In the Western world we receive virtually no training in how to create and maintain this state of being. Rather, we receive extensive “training” in dysfunctional communication and dysfunctional relationship building literally from the time we can cry out to our parents. For those who undertake the mission to establish a consistent state of positive energy/essence, there is a true pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
It figures, right? By way of comparison, only a small fraction of humans excel at pursuits that require a high degree of skill (sport, art, science etc) without extensive practice and training. Only a few more excel with extensive training. The rest of us just bump along and hope (and hope and hope).
How much training and practice have you had in creating a positive essence and therefore being an effective communicator?
Here are a few practical ways to advance your state of being and communication abilities:
- Figure out what you need vs. what you want. Start with your life and then focus down on specific areas where you wish to have more effective communication;
- Figure out what effective communication means to you;
- Invest in training yourself and the people around you;
- Practice, practice, practice.
The diagram below describes a simple framework for figuring out and keeping track of what you need vs. what you want.
Start by applying this framework to your life. Take time to refine it over a series of days or weeks until you only have things in your must have column that you really truly believe you must have. There are no rights or wrongs here. If you really in your heart believe you must have something, then for the purpose of this exercise you must have it. Notice, however, the way in which things creep onto the must have list that you don’t really need! If you are like me, your list will grow and shrink and grow for days as you ponder how your wants compare to your needs. Once complete, keep your work as an ongoing reference point for your energy and essence, and notice how your mind negotiates with you to get more things on the must have list that you really don’t need.Can you see how being clear on your needs versus wants can contribute to a state of positive energy and effective communication?
The next step is to figure out what effective communication means to you. Consider the possibility that it means the person you are communicating with is left touched, moved and inspired. This is a very powerful concept.
Next, employ the framework and your new clarity on what effective communication is, to an interaction with someone in which you are not satisfied with your state of being and the quality of communicating, such as a spouse, mate, child, or relative. Invite them to perform a similar exercise for themselves, starting with their life and then focusing on the issue or issues at hand.
The simple fact that you are willing to share this with each other provides a starting point for positive energy and effective communication, even when your desires and views are not aligned.
Lastly, in terms of training, my experience is that you have to develop a regimen of training and practice that you adopt for the rest of your life. Training and practice are hands-on activities. The best place that I know of to get trained and to practice is at Landmark Education, a global training organization whose primary purpose is to help people transform themselves into, among many things, effective communicators capable of making things happen in the world around them. Landmark offers a series of programs in a series they call the Curriculum For Living for people aged 8-12, 13-18, and 19-up. To the best of my knowledge, it is the only organization of its kind. The good news is that it is affordable and accessible.
Love and light for a lifetime of inspiration and effective communication!
Cheers
David Folk
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